You can break my heart but you can*t break me completely. I*ve let you get away with far too much. & to discover that I STILL have feelings for you litterally makes me sick to my stomach... Why though? You make me feel weak.. unhappy.. ugly.. I*d say you*ve temporarily destroyed me, but that would be handing you power you don*t deserve in the first place.. No human being does well with broken promises. Lie after lie. You lure me back everytime. But, nonetheless, what you see if what you get. & what you get will last a lifetime if you*re not careful. People don*t REALLY change.. I seemed to have put too much faith into our relationship.. for you. But for the record, my heart was deeply involved.. it DOES matter.

I would rather hear the cold-hearted truth than a dump truck full of lies. Now that the skies have cleared, I can see things for what they really are. 

I*ve noticed that the hurt I used to feel in the past has become more of a numb feeling.. A feeling that I have gotten used to over the last couple years.. Sometimes I just don*t understand you..

..that maybe I don*t give myself as much credit as I should. Then again, in some cases, maybe I give myself TOO much credit. It*s difficult to find the perfect balance when your mind feels scrammbled, unorganized..

I*m thinking, I need to find a new variety of friends. Friends that have the same interests as I do, especially in the work department. I*m mostly out of my party phase, I don*t think anything is worth staying up after 11:30pm unless I*m spending time with my boo, who I only get to see once, maybe twice a week. That in itself is heartbreaking, but I maintain myself somehow..

I know, after my Europe trip, I lost my steady gym visits & spoiled myself. Rotton. My work ethic at my retail job slipped as I didn*t know what in the world to do with myself, what I wanted in life, what I wanted to be, who I wanted in my life... Those I don*t need, still are, & I can*t find myself a backbone to let em' drop..

I am positive, that I have a kind heart. I love making people happy, making people feel wanted & loved when they need it most. Giving someone a shoulder to cry on, giving the best advice I*m capable of giving. Getting on someone*s level, making someone snicker, laugh or snort.  Make*s me love life that much more..

I am optimistic, intellegent, & alive. I want to learn everything there is to learn in this world. I*ve discovered within myself, & my open mind, that I hold the ability to learn what I want to learn. & that can be anything (& everything) that I want it to be. From this point on, I*m challenging myself to a lifelong goal: To live, laugh, love, & learn.

 

"Love, is more than three words mumbled before bedtime. Love is sustained by action, a pattern of devotion in the things we do for each other everyday."

It*s quite often that a warm-hearted woman like myself gets screwed over in the dude department. After you-know-who, I*ve been very skeptical about men & their REAL intentions. A man can tell you in words how he 'feels', but really.. I think emotion is held within actions, not nessesarily words. You can*t depend on one*s words..  you can*t trust one*s lips..

I*ve found myself not being able to speak of how I feel. I thought a part of me had just given up, but I*ve realized that I*m just being more cautious. I think I*ve grown up a little. :)

[apologies for my randomness]

Everything here is free
Everything but you and me
This painting never dries
Stupidity tries

 

There*s an aching in my heart from being let down, again. I feel like whatever I do, it*s never going to be enough for him. But this is it this time. No more.

I*ve lost all hope & I don*t even want a relationship anymore. The divorce rate is extremely high.. why? Because people don*t know what they want these days. People get married for all the wrong reasons. It*s very sad to see something so beautiful go to shit.

Since I can remember, I*ve always wanted to find someone who loves me as much as I love them. I recently thought I had this within my grasp, but it slipped away. It slipped away even quicker the second time because it had already been made clear in my concience that it wasn*t real the first time, so what makes it better in the second round? Nothing. I was in a state of denial. I wanted nothing more than to believe he had realized he lost someone wonderful.. maybe for a moment, but a moment isn*t enough..

I*ve just grown tired of it all. I*ve wasted great efforts on worthless big jerks who call themselves 'men'. Not that I*m old & stuff, hell, I*m only 19. But I just never understood how someone can get themselves in a perfect mindset, & not expect it to last forever..? I refuse to think like that.

Does that make any sense? Because, apparently, I*m the only one who thinks it does.

 

 

 

One may love a river as soon as one sets eyes upon it; it may have certain features that fit instantly with one*s conception of beauty, or it may recall the qualities of some other river, well known & deeply loved. One may feel in the same way an instant affinity for a man or a woman & know that here is pleasure & warmth & the foundation of deep friendship. In either case, the full riches of the discovery are not immediately released- they cannot be; only knowledge & close experiance can release them.

~A River Never Sleeps by Roderick Haig-Brown

I recently took a trip to Europe and at this moment, I can*t ask for more out of life. I never thought I would be able to experiance a voyage like this at my age, but it happened. And I am very much satisfied.

 

Pics soon.